And the Winners Were…

March 6th, 2006 by Hennessy

Well, Crash sure killed my Oscar predictions.

The Academy decided they were bold, brave, and radical enough for just nominating Brokeback Mountain. So they rewarded preachy and mediocre but, well intentioned Crash. Racial tensions might be easier for Americans to swallow than two men who love each other.

At least that meathead Matt Dillion didn’t win. Otherwise today I’d be boycotting, rioting, and excessively buring DVDs with the intent to bootleg.

If you missed last night’s ceremony the Gothamist details the night.

Eugene Kane best summed up The Three Six Mafia’s win.

It was funny watching the rappers win for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” but to be honest, I was afraid that might happen.

Now, on top of all the other negative images for African-Americans in the movies, the first time a bunch of young hip-hop artists win an Oscar, it’s a “Pimp” song.

The thing that bothered me the most last night wasn’t the blandness, or Crash winning, but did anyone else find it exceedingly creepy having the stunning Keira Knightly seated next to Jack Nicholson? Maybe it’s because I expected the camera at somepoint to capture him pawing at her, but who would’ve blamed him?

However, just about everything bothered Salon’s Cintra Wilson, who after last night’s Oscars may need theraphy.

Salon.com, Oscar Castrates Himself

Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any more wrist-slashingly boring, the boringness collapsed in on itself and became a deadly howling void of terrible sucking from which the light of no star could escape. These Oscars were so hideously uptight, they got pulled down a worm-hole and traveled light-years, on and on, forever, until they finally ended up in the darkest, airless regions of some fat, ultraconservative’s welded-on undershorts. Somehow, the roaring vacuum of these Oscars even killed the chi of the Golden Boy, our very own Jon Stewart. He began apologizing within 20 minutes, once he realized he’d never get his ankles out of the anaconda.

Thankfully, those wonderful folks at the BBC have it right. They’ve found a way for us all to be winners.